I was thinking tonight that if a genie appeared in front of me suddenly and offered to grant me one wish, my wish would be to be stupid. Part of my unhappiness and depression about life stems from thinking way too much about anything and everything, from overanalyzing, from thinking about how things are "supposed" to be, comparing, contrasting, daydreaming, etc. etc. Sometimes I feel like my mind is processing 5 million things at once. How many brilliant musicians and authors and artists were/are depressed and even suicidal? There's something about having a highly fuctioning, creative mind that also makes one really prone to depression and other various psychological disorders, I am convinced of that! Ignorance really is bliss. Ahhhh, to be stupid.....

I just realized how awfully depressing all of my entries are. So today, I shall make an effort to be humorous and lighthearted! Let's see, where to start, where to start....

And I got nothin!

Today was probably one of the very worst days of my entire life. I am a disappointment and a wreck. I am disgusting. I feel like a cockroach that should be squashed beneath someone's shoe. My parent can no longer trust me. I can't trust myself. How did I end up like this?

I'm scared. I'm scared to get better. I'm scared of staying sick. I'm scared of getting sicker. I'm scared of gaining weight. I'm scared of losing weight. I'm scared of wanting something and not getting it. I'm scared of never finding happiness. I'm scared that I WILL find happiness and then lose it. I'm scared that without my eating disorder, I will be nothing. I'm scared to let myself be anything but a person with an eating disorder. I'm scared of the thoughts in my own head. I'm scared about the fact that if I got hit by a bus tomorrow, I wouldn't care. I'm scared of people loving me. I'm scared of people hating me. I'm scared of telling the truth about how I really feel. I'm scared to love anyone. I'm scared they will leave me. I'm scared when they say they love me, they don't mean it. I'm scared that I will never love myself. I'm scared that I will live with my parents until I'm 50. I'm scared that I will never graduate college and get a life. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of being around people and saying the wrong thing. I'm scared of living, I'm scared of dying. I'm scared.

PS: to all who have left comments, thank you, it means more than you could know.

I feel like my entire life is passing me by as I sit back and watch and I am powerless to stop it. I don't know what to do. Please help.